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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29336832">We Were Friends</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThordisPotter/pseuds/ThordisPotter'>ThordisPotter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, Cuddling, Fluff, Holding Hands, M/M, as the author i have so much power in my hands, awkward bathtub cuddling, feelings are hard, i do this at 2 am, kissing romantically in the rain, mwahahahaha, no im sirius they cuddle in the empty bathtub, not gonna lie i don’t remember half the stuff i’ve written, remus is honestly an awkward loaf, remus is literally blind as a bat, soft bois, thats too early, what am I doing with my life</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:22:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29336832</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThordisPotter/pseuds/ThordisPotter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>**We were friends, but I didn’t look at my other friends like that.  We were friends, but I used to wish I could read your mind.  We were friends, but I sat with you that night as you cried in an inhumane way.  You were there when I was in pain.  You were my friend until you weren’t.  You were my friend until I fell in love with you.  And you were my friend until you found out.**</p><p>For such a smart person, Remus Lupin lacks incredibly in the 'social skills' department.  How long will it take him to notice that a friend can - and wants to - become more than a friend?  It might just need to hit him upside the head...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. we were friends, but i didn't look at my other friends like that</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>second year. </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Clouds.</p><p>No… the sky. Maybe?</p><p>All Remus can see when he wakes up is grey. Like melting snow on the sidewalk, like cleaning the fireplace and smudging charcoal on your cheeks, and like the deep, infinite darkness of space.</p><p>Remus blinks, and the grey becomes round. He blinks once more. The grey blinks back.</p><p>“Moony? Hey, Moony’s awake!” Sirius’ voice finishes waking Remus up, and he realizes that the grey he saw was Sirius’ eyes.</p><p>And his eyes were… gorgeous. Gorgeous is the only word that even comes close to describing it, Remus thinks.</p><p>He sits up in bed, still in a bit of a trance, as James and Peter and Madam Pomfrey come rushing over to fret over him, but despite the bustle and laughter and shushing, the only thing he could keep his mind on were those stormy eyes, filled with so much pain and so much love and so many memories.</p><p>Sirius Black’s eyes.</p><p>✴︎ ✴︎ ✴︎</p><p>
  <em><strong>third year.</strong> </em>
</p><p>Remus is sitting in the back of the library. A small, round window above him provides just enough light to read by, but not quite enough light to be noticed by. He’s gotten pretty good at blocking out the voices that float between the bookshelves, being noisier than they should, resulting in a heavy shushing from Madam Pince.</p><p>But on that particular morning, one voice cuts through the words of the book floating through Remus’ mind.</p><p>“Oi, mate, you pay more attention to Evans than you do to me! I thought I was the ‘love of your life’?”</p><p>
  <em>Sirius.</em>
</p><p>Remus recognizes the rich voice of his dorm mate. The playful words slice through all the thoughts in Remus’ mind. Every syllable replaying in his head. Of course, he had heard Sirius speak before. But he’s never really listened.</p><p>For the rest of his free period, Remus tries to read the assigned chapter for History of Magic, but instead of thinking about goblins and trolls, all he can think about is Sirius’ voice. How strong it is, not quite deep yet but smooth like golden honey. Every word he says before leaving the library rings in Remus’ mind. Even after he leaves, he can't get the sound of Sirius Black’s laugh out of his head.</p><p>And he’s never heard a voice he couldn’t block out.</p><p>✴︎ ✴︎ ✴︎</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>fourth year. </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Remus did not suddenly wake up one morning and realize that Sirius Black was extraordinarily attractive.</p><p>He did, however, wake up one morning later than normal to find that James and Peter did not wake either of them up for breakfast. And they were running late. In his haste, he scrambles out of bed and loops his belt through his pants, pulling his shirt over his head as he simultaneously yanks open Sirius’ bed curtains.</p><p>“Get up Padfoot, we’ve missed breakfast!” Sirius shoots up in time to get nailed in the face by the robes that Remus chucks at him. Shaking his bed head, shirtless and groggy, Sirius squints his eyes open in time to see Remus’ shirt fall over his scarred stomach.</p><p>It isn't until they're sitting in Transfiguration, out of breath and panicked just before Professor McGonagall checks their names for attendance, that Remus lets his mind drift to waking Sirius up. He realizes that Sirius is quite attractive, lying shirtless on his bed with his hair tossed over his eyes, peacefully sleeping. Well, attractive for a man at least.</p><p>He wonders, absentmindedly, if James and Peter ever notice this, and if friends are allowed to compliment each other like that.</p><p>✴︎ ✴︎ ✴︎</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>fifth year. </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Remus’ 15th birthday is the first night that Sirius Black gets completely pissed. Sure, they’d all drunk before, but never had there been this much… puke.</p><p>So as Sirius begins to look ill, Remus drags him upstairs to their bathroom just in time for Sirius to upchuck all the birthday cake he’s eaten (it's a lot). Sirius’ long, black hair is certain to get in the way of his sicking, and so Remus pulls it all out of his face and sits on the counter as he waits for Sirius to finish. His fingers entwine in the locks of his mate’s hair, and he gently runs them through it to properly pull it out of Sirius’ face.</p><p>He combs through the knots, just to soothe him, he tries to convince himself. Massages his scalp and the back of his neck to help him relax, he tells himself. Not because he gets an unexpected amount of happiness from having his fingers in Sirius Black’s hair.</p><p>But then Sirius finishes sicking and sits back against the wall, and Remus disentangles his fingers from his hair, awkwardly folding them in his lap.</p><p>“Thanks, mate,” Sirius mumbles drowsily. Remus tilts his head and looks at his half-asleep, pissed mate.</p><p>“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.” He makes sure Sirius gets safely to his bed, fully clothed. He passes out as soon as his head hits the pillow, hair spreading out smoothly. Remus runs his fingers through it just once more, before pulling his hand away and shaking his head.</p><p><em>Back to the party</em>, he thinks to himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. we were friends, but i used to wish i could read your mind.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s fifth year for the marauders, and for winter break they’ve all gone home to the Potter’s.The house smells of cinnamon and pinecones, and the air rings with laughter and jokes.There’s always a smile on someone’s face at the Potter’s house. </p><p>Fleamont and Euphemia Potter are incredibly pleased to have the four young mischief-makers home for Christmas, and they treat them accordingly.The boys are lavished with food, fun, and family for the entire break, and it’s wonderful.The Potters treat each of James’ three friends like their own sons and love them like they love James.</p><p>It’s for that reason that Remus decides to come out to his little makeshift family.He hasn’t come out to his parents yet, but there’s no one he trusts more than his friends and the Potters to be the first ones to know that he’s gay.</p><p>So, when Remus wakes up on December 23rd, he resolves to come out while they’re all sitting around the dinner table that night.</p><p>As the day goes on, he rehearses a hundred different ways to do it.</p><p>
  <em>Hey, I’m gay!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>James, you might be a deer, but I’m a queer!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t have to worry about me stealing any of your girlfriends, I like dudes anyway!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hey, remember when I couldn’t hang the Christmas lights up straight?Yeah, well…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why did I walk into the doorframe, you ask?It’s ‘cuz I’m too gay to walk straight.</em>
</p><p>In the end, though, he doesn’t end up saying any of the things he’s rehearsed.In fact, he doesn’t even mean to come out when he does.</p><p>That evening, James, his parents, Sirius, and Peter are sitting around the table with Remus, talking and laughing and eating a delicious roast that Mr. Potter cooked. The enticing smell of cooked potatoes and soft carrots floating around in the stew wafts up into Remus’ nose.With his heightened sense of smell, he can make out the distinct scent of tender pork, smothered in spices before being added to the roast.It’s warm and filling, and eating a delicious meal surrounded by the people he loves most in the world does loads to lessen his nerves.</p><p>But then it happens.</p><p>Mr. Potter asks if anyone has a girlfriend yet.Remus tenses up.<em>Now, do it now, this is your chance!Say it!</em></p><p>“Oh no,” Sirius chuckles.“But Jamie here is still pining over Lily, if you didn’t know.”</p><p>James gives his mate a death glare.</p><p>“Oh darling, you need to give that poor girl a break!”Mrs. Potter says at the same time that her husband says, “You just need to do something to really ‘wow’ her!”</p><p>The three boys absolutely lose it while James pouts in his chair. </p><p>“He doesn’t have a bloody chance with her!She hates his guts and makes that explicitly obvious to him at every opportunity!”Peter laughs, and everyone loses it.Even James starts to smile a bit.</p><p>“Honestly, Remus here has more of a chance with her than anyone.They started studying together this year, didn’t you Remus?”Sirius smirks, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. </p><p>“Actually, no, I don’t.She doesn’t like me, and even if she did, she’s… not my type.”</p><p>“Well, then what is your type, mate?” James asks.</p><p>“Men.” Remus claps a hand over his mouth.He hadn’t meant to say that out loud, and everyone in the dining room freezes.Peter’s and James' eyes widen in shock, the Potters exchange a glance, and Sirius… well.</p><p>Sirius’ expression is a rollercoaster of emotion.Remus doesn’t even look at anyone else, as he’s too busy trying to discern Sirius’ reaction.At first, he looks shocked.Then, he looks… elated?Excited?Hopeful?No, that last one can’t be right.It’s too late to decide anyway, as Sirius’ expression has already shifted once more, into a sort of apprehension.Not quite nervousness, but not quite openness either.</p><p>
  <em>What are you thinking?Do you hate me now?Was this a mistake? </em>
</p><p>Remus panics at the thought of losing one of his best friends, but suddenly Sirius plasters on a smile that isn’t quite real and speaks.</p><p>“Well, I think we all saw that one coming from a while away, mister ‘I’ve never kissed a girl before!’” Sirius chuckles and spoons some more stew into his mouth.</p><p>“Darling, we love and support you, and I expect you owl us immediately if anyone at school gives you muck for loving who you love,” Mrs. Potter says in that special, motherly way.Kind, but firm.</p><p>Suddenly, all his nerves are washed away.He’s loved, his friends don’t care that he’s gay, and if his parents don’t accept him then he knows he has the Potters.He’s filled with an overwhelming sense of happiness, and love.</p><p>Until he meets Sirius’ eyes again.He feels like his eyes are boring right through his soul, that he can see every thought Remus thinks.</p><p>Remus suddenly wishes he knew exactly what Sirius is thinking right now, too.He wishes he could read his mind.</p><p>But he doesn’t dwell on it.Despite Sirius looking at Remus differently for the rest of winter break, he enjoys every minute of it.He chooses to be happy for once.He deserves it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. we were friends, and i sat with you that night as you cried in an inhumane way.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's 6th year, and the Marauders have all just returned to school.Sirius seems more distraught than ever, his eyes haunted as if he’s seen horrible, horrible things.He goes directly to the dorms and does not speak to his friends after the feast.</p><p>Remus waits until after James and Peter have attempted, with no success, to lure Sirius out of their shared bathroom.They just want to help, but Sirius is bound and determined to suffer alone, apparently.Remus has had just about enough.</p><p>“Move.”Remus shoulders through James and Peter and kicks open the lock of the bathroom door, walks inside, repairs said lock, and shuts the door behind him, only to find Sirius sitting in the empty bathtub with an empty smile and an empty heart.Where had the playful smirk, the flirtatious grin, the elated smile gone?Remus missed his smile.</p><p>“Guess you missed how I said ‘don’t come in’, huh?” Sirius grumbles dryly, pulling his knees to his chest and putting his head down.</p><p>Remus looks around awkwardly.He didn’t think this far ahead, not really imagining what he’d do once he got inside the bathroom.So he climbs into the bathtub with his friend, putting his arm around him as he’d seen James do before.</p><p>“I’m not gonna ask what happened over the summer.You’ll tell us when you’re ready.But I am gonna ask why you’re being such an arse to your friends.”</p><p>“Remus-”</p><p>“Every year you come back looking more and more hurt, and every year you try to tell us not to help you, and then we do and you’re better off for it.You fucking idiot.If you don’t wanna see James or Peter, at least let me in.Cuz I’m-”</p><p>What had he been about to say?He’s not more important to Sirius than James is, and Peter always supplies food (which Sirius obviously isn’t getting enough of at home).So what is Remus?Why does Remus feel- <em>want</em> to feel- special to Sirius?</p><p>So he settles for, “‘Cuz I can always give you the tough love you need to shake you out of this funk.”</p><p>Sirius chuckles. “So tough love is what this is?What we’ve got goin’ on here?”</p><p>Remus blinks.What they’ve got going on?Maybe?</p><p>“I’m just saying, it’s sixth year!You know James is going to want to surpass the past five years worth of pranks and to do that we’re gonna need your strong emotions to be directed at our victims, not us.”</p><p>A small smile begins to form on Sirius’ face.</p><p>“I don’t like it when you block me out, Sirius.We’re better than that.”He had meant to say ‘when you block <em>us</em> out’ but for some reason that’s not what rolled off his lips.</p><p>Sirius’ smile widens and he cocks his head a bit, as if seeing something in Remus that he hadn’t seen before.He closes his eyes and leans his head on Remus’ shoulder, relaxing a bit.</p><p>“Alright Moony.If you say so.”</p><p>“Good.Great.So.”</p><p>“Just stay.Just for a moment.Please.”It wasn’t a question.</p><p>They sit together in silence for a few minutes before Sirius speaks.</p><p>“My parents… they…” he begins.It takes a few more minutes for him to continue as angry, fearful tears streak down his cheeks, and Remus waits patiently for him.</p><p>“They tried to force me to get the dark mark.”</p><p>Suddenly the room feels so much colder, as if an intense chill had settled over them.</p><p>“Did you… did you…” he can’t even finish the sentence.Of course, he knows Sirius would never want to, but if he’s been forced…</p><p>“Get the mark?”He finishes shakily.“No, I didn’t. Apparently, they need consent to give the bloody thing to you.And it can’t be forced.Anyway, they weren’t happy that I didn’t get it, so they locked me in my room until today.”</p><p>“God, Pads… I’m so sorry.But at least you didn’t get it, that’s what matters.”Then a thought occurs to him.Sirius looks so weak and thin, and if he’s been locked in his room for multiple days then maybe…</p><p>“Padfoot?”Remus shifts so he can look at Sirius better, and Sirius glances up at him.“They didn’t let you eat while you were locked in your room, did they?”</p><p>Sirius suddenly becomes very interested in the threads of Remus’ jumper. </p><p>“Oh god… and you didn’t come down to the feast, you’ve got to be starving!Well that’s the next thing we’re going to do, we’ll go down to the kitchens and you can eat as much as you want and-”</p><p>“I’m not really hungry, honestly.”Sirius interrupts him, shrugging his shoulders inward.He seems smaller when he’s like this.Remus vows not to let Sirius go back ‘home’ next summer, not when his family - if they can even be called that - treats him like this.</p><p>“Sirius, the longer you go without eating the more you feel sick and at the same time not hungry.The thought of food disgusts you, doesn’t it?”</p><p>Sirius nods into Remus’ chest.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s what happens when you don’t eat for a few days.Believe me, I know-”</p><p>He certainly hadn’t meant to say that last part.He didn’t want to explain his Tragic Backstory TM to Sirius, not when they were trying to focus on Sirius’ problems.</p><p>“Just… come on, it can be just the two of us.I’ll make sure Prongs and Wormtail don’t come down ’til you’re ready.But you’ve got to eat <em>something</em>, at least a bit of toast or some broth.Please?”</p><p>Sirius sits up properly and takes multiple deep breaths, the tears in his eyes now receding.Then he turns to Remus, not meeting his eyes. </p><p>“Okay… but… only if you go out first and tell the others not to come with us.I know I’ve got to tell them eventually but I just- I just can’t right now-” the tears Sirius had repressed threaten to spill over his eyelashes and he chokes up, pulling his knees back to his chest and putting his head down. </p><p>“Hey, hey, of course, don’t worry… it’ll be okay, I promise.”Remus gently rubs Sirius’ back for a few moments, feeling his spine through his thin shirt.“I’ll go out right now and tell them to mind their business, yeah?Then I’ll come back and get you and we can go under the Cloak.Just stay here for a moment.”</p><p>James and Peter instantly stand up from James’ and look at him when he gets back into their main room, but Remus holds up his hand before they can ask questions.</p><p>“Sirius and I are going to use the cloak to go down to the kitchens and get some food because he missed the welcome feast.I know you have questions but he isn’t ready to explain, I don’t think he’s told me everything either, and we’ll come back and explain when he’s ready I promise.”</p><p>James sits back down and rubs his hand down his face.“Can you… well… you promise you’ll take good care of him?I'm so worried…”</p><p>Remus gives a small smile that’s honestly more like a grimace.“I’ve got him Prongs, don’t worry.Can we have the cloak and the map?”</p><p>Peter produces them from under James’ bed while James just sits with his head in his hands. </p><p>Remus returns to the bathroom to find Sirius standing in front of the sink, splashing cold water on his face.Wordlessly, he walks over to stand beside Remus and they both get under the cloak.They have to stand a bit close because Remus got taller over the summer if that was even possible.Remus can hear Sirius’ heartbeat spike in their proximity, and his own palms begin to sweat.What the hell?</p><p>Together, they exit the now-empty Gryffindor common room and begin the trek to the kitchens.They can’t speak, as they’re trying to be stealthy and invisible, so they walk in relatively comfortable silence. </p><p>But as they pass the Great Hall they can smell remnants of the incredible scents of the feast wafting through the halls.Sirius’ breath increases and he stumbles.Obviously, he hasn’t had food in so long that even the smells make him nauseous, and he grabs Remus’ hand for support.Even after they pass the Great hall, he doesn’t let go.Neither does Remus.</p><p>Their fingers entwined makes Remus’ heartbeat quicken and he has to remind himself that them holding hands doesn’t mean anything, Sirius just needs his support right now.That’s all it is.That’s all Remus wants from him, that’s all he wants from Remus.Nothing more, nothing more, nothing more…</p><p>They get to the kitchens and the rest of the evening passes in a bit of a blur.Remus helps Sirius eat, and it takes about an hour for his body to stop rejecting the food they force him to consume.After that, he’s eating everything the house-elves offer him. When they finally get back to the common room, Sirius is too full to speak.</p><p>They stumble to bed and Sirius flops down, practically asleep.“Mmmm Prongs… talk tomorrow yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, mate.Whatever you need,” James replies warmly.</p><p>The other boys get into bed and draw their curtains while Remus changes into his own pajamas.He walks back over to check on Sirius and it surprised to see Sirius’ eyes open and a smile form on his face.He grabs his hand and pulls him down into bed drowsily, scooting over to make room. </p><p>“Promise to tell me about your experience with not eating sometime, yeah?”Sirius asks sleepily. </p><p>“Yeah,”Remus says, not sure why he agreed.That’s the last thing they say before the two of them fall asleep together, Sirius’ head on Remus’ chest and their arms wrapped around each other. </p><p>Neither of them says anything when Remus wakes up at the crack of dawn, gently rolling Sirius off his chest and going back to his own bed.Both are disappointed at the loss of contact, but neither will say anything about it.</p><p>But Remus doesn’t forget that first night that they cuddled after Sirius cried and opened up only to him.Neither does Sirius.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. we were friends, but you weren't there when i was in pain.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TRIGGER WARNING for s*lf-h*arm, p*nic att*ck, depressed spiral, numbness, slight dissociation?</p><p>If any of that triggers you, PLEASE skip to the next chapter.  There are no crucial events or anything, all you need to know is that Remus has a "danger night" and Sirius isn't there for him.  James helps him out.</p><p>I never want anyone to be uncomfy with my writing so please skip if you think you'll get triggered by this chapter!  I love you all and don't want you to be uncomfy!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After that night that Remus and Sirius cuddled, Sirius begins to distance himself from Remus.He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong, but every time he asks, Sirius just says he’s busy. </p><p>Too busy to talk to Remus, apparently, but he has time to figure out exactly when and where he can and can’t be in order to avoid Remus.It’s extremely hard to avoid a boy that you literally live with, but Sirius Black stuns and amazes the world yet again by achieving this feat.</p><p>This manages to backfire on Sirius majorly.</p><p>It’s a few days before the full moon, and Remus’ nerves are particularly bad.That, on top of the stressful Sirius situation, and the recent conflicts with Snivellus, have taken their toll on Remus because he begins to spiral.</p><p>At first, he doesn’t even really notice it.He’s just sitting on the bay windowsill of their dorm, smoking a fag to try to calm down.James made the rule that he can smoke but he’s got to have the window open to do it, so the cool fall breeze is floating through the room. </p><p>But Remus can’t feel it.</p><p>Because quite suddenly he realizes that all he can feel is the smoke floating into his lungs and then back up his throat, rolling over his tongue and out of his mouth.And he takes the fag of from between his lips as he feels his breathing get faster.</p><p>He’s blinking,</p><p>blinking,</p><p><em>blinking</em>. </p><p>Is he blinking</p><p>or is reality fading in and out? </p><p>When did he start rocking?</p><p>He feels an enormous amount of thoughts crash down on his mind, everything all at once.</p><p>
  <em>Sirius hates you.Does Sirius hate you?What would happen if he hated you?How much do you care about Sirius?Does Sirius even matter?You can lose him.You can stand to lose him, he’s only a friend.</em>
</p><p>But the thought of Sirius Black no longer being in his life makes him choke, and he drops his cigarette on the windowsill.He feels the hair stick up all over his body as he shudders. </p><p>He’s shaking. </p><p>He can feel himself rocking faster. </p><p>There’s so much,</p><p>so much,</p><p><em>so many thoughts,</em> </p><p>so many,</p><p>so many. </p><p>It won’t stop. </p><p>It won’t be <em>quiet</em>,</p><p>he can’t <em>make it quiet</em>.</p><p>And then he gets a whiff of the fag resting on the sill next to him, and he only has one thought.He gets the fag between his two fingers and stares at it numbly. </p><p>He’s rocking,</p><p>rocking back and forth,</p><p>back and forth,</p><p>
  <em>back and forth…</em>
</p><p>He wants the thoughts to stop, the tears to stop, when did the tears start falling?And he rolls up his sleeve and holds out his arm, and he drags the lit end of the fag across his inner arm before he can stop himself. </p><p>The pain sears through him.Every thought in his mind comes to a screeching halt, and all he can think of is pain.He curls into this pain and more tears fall, but this time because of the intense hurt.He can feel the fire inside his cells, and somewhere in his mind he entertains the thought of rushing to the bathroom and sticking his arm under cold water, but he doesn’t.He needs the pain, or else he’ll keep thinking and when he’s thinking-</p><p>He halts that train of thought by stabbing the lighted fag back onto his skin.Just below his inner elbow this time.</p><p><em>One more time</em>, he thinks.Just one more time and then the pain will stop…</p><p>He drags the fag across his skin again.</p><p>And again.</p><p>And again.</p><p>
  <em>And again.</em>
</p><p>He keeps burning himself until he hears the door open and drops the fag in surprise.</p><p>
  <em>Please let it be Sirius, I just want to be in Sirius’ arms again, please let it be Sirius, I need Sirius, I need…</em>
</p><p>“Moony?”James’ fear-filled voice rings through the dorm.He’s caught Remus self-harming before and instantly knows what to do.</p><p>“Oh Moony, here… you’ll be okay, just focus on my voice, listen, we’re gonna go to the loo, okay?Up you go, there you are, now let’s walk, come on, hand on my shoulder, yep, leave the fag… there you are.Let’s get that under some cold water…”</p><p>Remus doesn’t even know what’s happening until James gently guides his forearm under the stream of cold water, and it shocks Remus back to the present.</p><p>Suddenly he sobbing, his arm hurts so bad, oh god what has he <em>done</em>, he can’t keep doing this, he can’t, he’s in so much pain…</p><p>Remus lets all the thoughts he was having overcome him and drowns in the pain, physical and emotional.James just keeps his arm around him, one hand rubbing his shoulder warmly and the other keeping Remus’ forearm firmly under the stream of water.They stay like this until Remus’ arm is so cold he can’t feel it.</p><p>James convinces Remus to see Madam Pomfrey because she can do some healing spells that James doesn’t know.As they’re leaving, they pass Sirius coming up the stairs.</p><p>Sirius’ first mistake is stopping and staring.</p><p>His eyes widen, and he opens his mouth in a silent question as to what happened, because Remus is still crying and James is still supporting him.But the look James shoots him tells him that they’ll talk about it later.</p><p>Sirius’ second mistake is reaching out to touch Remus’ shoulder comfortingly.Remus shrinks away from his tough like lightning.Sirius pulls his hand back and blinks as his eyes become glassy.He walks away without a word.</p><p>In the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey takes one look at the pair of boys and immediately knows what’s happened.She ushers them to Remus’ usual bed, in the back corner of the long room.She performs spells as Remus cries into James’ shoulder and the latter explains what happened in a hushed voice.</p><p>Remus stays the night in the hospital wing after Madam Pomfrey gives him various sleeping draughts and anti-anxiety potions.When he wakes up, he won’t feel the feelings from the night before, and he’s excused from all his classes for the next day.</p><p>“Sleep well, Moony,” is the last thing Remus hears before he drifts into a dreamless, peaceful sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. we were friends until we weren't.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been a week since Remus’ danger night.He’s doing much better, the fresh scars on his arm are almost invisible thanks to Madam Pomfrey’s care and attention to detail.At this point, he thinks of her as almost a second - third? - mother, knowing he can trust her with anything.</p><p>However, Sirius has still been avoiding him like the plague all week.James and Sirius are practically glued at the hip, and consequently, Peter follows them around, so Remus is left to spend time with Lily and the girls. </p><p>Remus and Lily have gotten quite a bit closer since the beginning of last year, as they began studying together.Now, they have an incredibly close relationship, and Remus being avoided by Sirius has gotten them to spend even more time together.</p><p>He discovers that despite Lily’s incredibly intense study habits, she’s very good at multitasking.She manages to keep at the top of the class and stay on top of all the drama and gossip throughout the school and provide moral support for Mary and Marlene and her other friends.<span class="Apple-converted-space">  And, o</span>n top of all of that, she’s incredibly perceptive.</p><p>So, Tuesday morning, she catches Remus alone in the library, sitting under his usual window.The sun is still low in the sky, as it’s early, so it shines nicely through the window, illuminating the back corner of the library.</p><p>“Hello, Remus!”Lily chirps cheerfully, setting her books down on the table and pulling a chair up to sit across from him.</p><p>“Good morning Lils!”Remus responds.They have almost a brother-sister type of relationship, so nicknames and saying good morning are not uncommon.Of course, she was first to know that he’s gay, right after the Potters and the Marauders, so she knows that anything he says to her is purely platonic.They’ve taken up the habit of saying ‘love you’ to each other in conversation, and Remus finds that he quite likes having someone to love.</p><p>“You and the Marauders have been avoiding each other.”Well, Lily Evans never was one to beat around the bush.</p><p>“How incredibly perceptive of you.What gave it away?” Remus responds drily, not glancing up from his book.</p><p>Lily gives a little ‘hmph’.“What’s going on between the four of you?Ordinarily, I would try to be a bit nicer about it, even stay out of your business, but a certain James Potter has confronted me twice now about why you’re spending more time with us than them.Both times, he didn’t make any attempt to flirt or woo me, so I’m incredibly concerned.”</p><p>“James?Not flirting or wooing?Oh no, it seems almost like you miss it…” Remus tries to derail the current line of conversation by teasing her.She’s not having any of it.</p><p>“Remus.Spill.”</p><p>Remus sighs.“I don’t know what there is to talk about.Sirius and I had… I don’t know, I feel like our friendship got even stronger the first night of term because I helped him through a tough spot.And the day after, he began avoiding me.That, on top of stress and other things… well…” </p><p>He pauses before slowly rolling up his sleeve to show Lily the new silvery scars.He’s always been incredibly comfortable talking about his mental health with her, and she’s one of the only people that knows his history.</p><p>“Oh, Remus…”</p><p>“I had a danger night.James helped me through it, he always does, but Sirius saw.I honestly don’t remember what happened but I’m pretty sure he tried to touch me and I flinched away.Of course, not intentionally, but I was fragile and… I don’t know.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry, love.”</p><p>“Yeah… so Sirius has been avoiding me, more than he was before since I flinched away from him that night.And James and Peter are obviously sticking with Sirius, not me, so…</p><p>“Anyway, I don’t want to confront him about it yet, I don’t have the energy for that.Easier to be avoided, I suppose.Plus, it means I get to spend time with you and the girls, and I love you all to death.”</p><p>Remus shrugs and lets Lily speak again.</p><p>“Why do you keep saying friendship?” </p><p>“Pardon?”</p><p>“Every time you describe your relationship with Sirius, you say friendship.Our ‘friendship’ is strengthening, or our ‘friendship’ grows, why do you do that?”</p><p>Remus blinks.Why does he say he’s friends with Sirius?Because he is?Or, was…</p><p>“I don’t- I don’t quite get what you’re saying Lils.I mean, sure, at this point, I suppose we’re not friends anymore, but I don’t know what else you want me to say…”</p><p>Lily raises her eyebrows incredulously and then bursts out laughing.“Never mind, love, never mind.”</p><p>Remus furrows his brown, then shakes his head and begins to pack his bag. </p><p>“Well, sorry that James is bothering you about it.Just tell him off next time he asks, that if he wants to know he should come directly to me.I’ve got to get to class, but it’s always lovely talking with you, you strange woman,” he teases before wandering out of the library.</p><p>Lily shakes her head, mumbling, “He’s so incredibly blind,” before packing her things and leaving as well.</p><p>✴︎✴︎✴︎</p><p>Remus manages to go three more days with Sirius avoiding him before it gets to be too much.So on Friday morning, he leaves a note on Sirius’ pillow to meet him out on the grounds after their last class of the day.</p><p>Friday goes by without too much incident.He gets through his classes and isn’t nervous at all for the impending meeting this afternoon, despite the fact that Sirius obviously is.They share almost every class, and Remus can tell that the nerves are getting to him.</p><p>Charms is their last class of the day, and it ends earlier than normal, so Remus takes his time strolling out to the grounds.He spots Sirius easily, his mop of wavy black hair flowing easily in the gentle afternoon wind. </p><p>Remus takes a deep breath and approaches him.</p><p>“Sirius.No, me first.Listen.I don’t know what’s up with you.I thought you were finally starting to trust me almost as much as you trust James, which is something I would love.And we had a great night, fun in the kitchens and… and I don’t know what was up with us sharing a bed.It was nice, but not something I’m gonna repeat if you’re gonna bloody act this.”Remus takes a breath, his heart pounding.Where the bloody hell had that bit about the cuddling come from?He needs to get his head in the game.</p><p>“You don’t get to shut me out as soon as we start to get close, especially after seeing me weak like you did.I don’t appreciate that.I’ve only recently gotten more confident in myself and you treating me like this certainly isn’t helping that.</p><p>“I’m really glad our friendship started to strengthen that night, so if you’re willing to apologize and sort out a good enough excuse for whatever you’ve been doing recently, then we can work back to that.But you’re really messing me up, Sirius.I thought we were better than this.”There it is again.“We”.Remus blinks himself back into reality.</p><p>Sirius’ previously anxious expression fell at some point during Remus’ little rant.He just looks at him for a few moments, seeming so hurt and wrecked.</p><p>“Friendship?”</p><p>“…pardon?”Remus furrows his brows.All that and all he can say is ‘friendship’?</p><p>“You said… you said our friendship was strengthening.Is that really what that was to you?”</p><p>Again with this emphasis on ‘friendship’.What could Sirius and Lily see that Remus was blind to?</p><p>“Sirius, bloody get to the point.I don’t know what you lot mean by friendship, what else do you want me to call it?”</p><p>Sirius sighs sadly.“You don’t see it, do you?You haven’t seen it at all.And here I thought you were trying to tell me…” He sakes his head before continuing.“That night that we passed on the stairs, when you were crying and… well, James told me afterward that you had another danger night.If I had just been a few minutes faster, maybe it wouldn’t have happened…</p><p>“I had been walking up to the dorms to find you and talk to you.I wanted to apologize for avoiding you all that week and explain why.I wanted to… to tell you…</p><p>“But no, I suppose that would make me look silly now.You’re an absolutely blind dumbass, my Moony, but nothing I can do about that now.”He stayed standing there, in front of Remus, looking for all the world like there were a billion more things he wanted to say.But instead, when his lips parted again, there was only one thing that came out.</p><p>“We can’t be friends anymore Moony.”And his world crashed down on him like the sky had fallen.But Sirius continues.“It’s too… It’s too hard for me.If you knew why… well, I supposed I'm glad you don’t.But seeing you, being around you, hearing your laugh, and seeing your smile and… and being in your arms… I can’t do that.I can’t.”</p><p>Remus was terribly confused and it all wasn’t adding up, and all he could think about was that he was losing a friend and he didn’t know why, or how to get him back.Sure, he had sort of known that Sirius was pulling away, but everything was happening so fast and he couldn’t imagine life without Sirius and…</p><p>“Wait, what?”</p><p>“Remus, please don’t make this harder than this already is…”</p><p>“Padfoot, I don’t understand, I don’t- why are you- why-”</p><p>“Just stop.Please?Don’t drag this out.Goodbye Remus.”</p><p>And Sirius walked away. </p><p>Remus made his way back up to the castle, not quite understanding what just happened.But before he even realized it, tears were sliding softly down his scarred cheeks, and the only thought in his mind was ‘<em>get to Lily before another Danger Night happens.’</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. we were friends until i fell in love with you.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus can feel Lily’s gentle fingers running through his soft, curly hair.His head is in her lap and he’s crying, out of sadness and confusion and loss.They sit like this for a few minutes before Lily finally speaks.</p><p>“Can you tell me what’s wrong, Remus?”</p><p>He sniffles and forces the tears to stop falling.Taking deep breaths, he sits up next to her on her bed, back against the wall.</p><p>“I told Sirius he needed to stop ignoring me, and then he said we couldn’t be friends!I don’t know what I did wrong…” and the tears begin falling again.</p><p>“Can you just tell me exactly what was said?Because honestly, I think I know what’s going on but I need to be sure.”Lily had that knowing look in her eyes.</p><p>So Remus recounted the conversation basically word for word, having to pause to cry every few sentences.</p><p>“Lils, I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.I feel like… I feel like my world has fractured.My chest its- I feel like its caving in- I can’t breathe- I can’t-” Remus begins hyperventilating.</p><p>“Darling, I’m so sorry.I know how much you loved him.”</p><p>Remus’ heart rate quickens.Why is it doing that? “Well yeah, I love them all, and now I’m gonna lose all of them…”</p><p>Lily deadpans.“Sorry, what?”</p><p>“What?It's not weird that I love them, they’re my best frien-” Remus’ sniffling gets cut off by the scarlet throw pillow that smacks him in the face.</p><p>“Remus John Lupin!”</p><p>“Bloody fuck, Lils!”</p><p>“I’m tired of this nonsense!I don’t know if you’re too scared to admit it, or think you’re good at hiding it, or you don’t even know it yourself.But anyone with two eyes can see that you love Sirius!You <em>love</em> Sirius.Dammit, Remus, you two have been in love with each other since as long as I can remember, so get over yourself and admit it.”</p><p>At that moment, Remus’ brain really said ‘no thoughts, head empty’.Which was probably the warning for what came next.</p><p>An avalanche of emotions and memories wrecks Remus. </p><p>Sirius’ <em>eyes</em> like the clouds,</p><p>his <em>voice</em> like a river,</p><p>the <em>hair</em> that Remus always wants to reach out and run his fingers through,</p><p>the <em>body</em> that he’d curled around in his sleep once before. </p><p>The was his <em>laughter</em> rung through Remus’ mind, even hours after he’d stopped laughing.The funny glances across the room, and…</p><p>And the breakup.Because Sirius <em>had</em> broken up with him, in a friend/crush kind of way.Sirius must’ve thought that Remus felt the same way he did… and then been crushed when Remus unintentionally friend-zoned him.</p><p>Oh god.Oh god, Sirius must be a mess, thinking that Remus doesn’t feel the same way.He’s got to find him and tell him…</p><p>And tell him what?</p><p>“What do I say to him, Lils?How do I make this right…” Remus puts his head in his hands.</p><p>“Find him and tell him how you feel.You’ll know what to say when he’s in front of you,” Lily assures him.She pulls him into a strong hug and wishes him luck as Remus trudges upstairs to his dorm to find Sirius Black.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. we were friends until you found out.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sirius isn’t in their dorm room.  Or on the quidditch pitch, or even in the library (though that last place was unlikely anyway).  Remus has just about given up, putting his hands in his pockets and hanging his head, when he feels something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Marauders Map!  It was in his pocket the whole time!  He quickly pulls it out and mutters, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I solemnly swear that I am up to no good</span>
  </em>
  <span>, scanning all of Hogwarts for the black-haired boy he’s looking for.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There!  At the… Forbidden Forest?  What in Merlin’s name is Sirius doing at the edge of the forest?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus hides away the map and dashes through the long halls of Hogwarts.  The high ceilings and flying buttresses give the castle an even more </span>
  <em>
    <span>magical</span>
  </em>
  <span> feel to them, and Remus imagines he can feel the magic in the walls pouring into his heart as he gets more and more excited to see Sirius.  But when he bursts out of the castle doors, he screeches to a halt.  It’s raining.  A lot.  Remus casts a quick umbrella charm and holds his wand upwards before continuing his sprint across the soaked grounds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t see more than 20 paces in front of him, so he pulls the map back out to see what direction he needs to be going in.  Seeing Sirius’ little name on the map not too far from him gives his legs the extra burst of energy they need, and finally, Sirius comes into view.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And it’s not a pretty sight.  Sirius is in a t-shirt and jeans - Remus’ jeans actually - and he’s convulsing of cold.  He’s soaked from head-to-toe, water dripping from his shoulder-length hair and the tip of his nose, which would be rather adorable if the situation weren’t so… not adorable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sirius!  There you are!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius turns towards Remus in shock.  His eyes and nose are pink and puffy and there are tear-streaks on his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus?  What are you doing?”  His voice cracks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The map!  I- I found you- and then I was like- ‘why’s he out here’? And then it was raining and so- and then I realized- well, before that-” Remus pants, out of breath.  He realizes he doesn’t actually know what to do now that he’s standing in front of the boy he- he loves.  The boy that he loves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No wait!  Listen!  I get it now!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius furrows his brows warily.  “Get what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why… why you thought we couldn’t be friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The silence is filled with nothing but the sound of pouring rain.  Remus steps closer to Sirius to cover him with the umbrella charm, but that also means their faces are now unusually close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You… do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.  I mean, it took Lily hitting me in the head with a rather hard pillow and a bit of shouting for me to get it, but now I do.  And erm- if you don’t mind- I’d like to tell you something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius looks down at his feet, nodding.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Er- you said it’s too hard to be around me because you thought that, er- that I didn’t- you know.  Well, er- I do.  You </span>
  <em>
    <span>were</span>
  </em>
  <span> interpreting things correctly.  I’m just really, really thick.  Like, incredibly stupid.  I literally had to get hit over the head to see it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius looks up, a corner of his mouth turning up just a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what exactly is… it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus takes a deep breath.  “I don’t think we can be friends either, Sirius.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius’ face falls. “Wha- I thought you just said-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because… I want to be more than friends.”  He pauses and then wonders if the implications might not be clear enough.  “With you.  Obviously.  Because I’m telling you that.  I just thought maybe I’d clarify, in case that wasn’t clear-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In Remus’ babbling, he hadn’t noticed the smile that had spread across Sirius’ face, and suddenly he’s cut off by the dark-haired boy standing up on his tip-toes and kissing the taller boy right on the lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus feels cold, wet fingers snake around the back of his neck, pulling his head down a bit.  He matches the kiss and wraps his arms tenderly around Sirius’ waist, dropping the umbrella charm temporarily, soaking both boys to the bone, but now not even that can stop the warmth spreading through Remus Lupin’s chest as he kisses the boy he loves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tall of a sudden, he pulls away, resting his forehead against Sirius’.  “I love you,” he whispers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius’ grin is bright enough to shine away the rain and he says, “I love you, too, Moony.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus kisses him quick once again and then puts the umbrella charm back up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As romantic as kissing in the rain is, I’m freezing.  Let’s go inside,”  Remus says, taking Sirius’ hand with his free one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely.  Thank god I didn’t go into the forest as Padfoot in this weather.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would you have done that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius hesitates.  “Er- I was… sad.  When I get sad I like to turn into Padfoot because it makes processing emotion a lot easier.  Less complicated thoughts and all that fun stuff.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Sirius.  Really, I swear I didn’t know that you liked me! I hadn’t even acknowledged that I like you… I wonder what else I could realize if Lily hit me over he head with a pillow more often…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s not find out,” Sirius laughs.  “Though I should thank her for that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’ll probably just be grateful that we’re finally together.  According to her, we’ve been in love since second year, just too shy - or stupid - to act on it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm… that’s probably accurate.  I don’t like to admit it, but I don’t think Lily’s ever been wrong in her life!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus smiles.  “Probably not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius stops.  “You… do actually like me though, right?  This isn’t another prank or something?” he asks a bit bashfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus stops and faces Siris, looking at him like he’s the whole universe.  “Sirius, I love everything about you.  Every hair on your head, every freckle on your face, the way your eyes reflect storms so strong and beautiful.  I- I love the curve of your lips when you smile, and your infectious laughter, and your heart, and every scar on your body and in your soul.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re perfect, Sirius.  You’re my North Star, and I love you so, so much.  I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The smile on Sirius’ face and the tears in his eyes are enough to give Remus that funny warm feeling again, and his heart pounds just a bit faster.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you guys enjoyed this little clump of words :) I take requests!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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